Operator Error

How is it that we live in the digital era and no one knows how to use an airline self-service kiosk?

It doesn't matter if the person is young or old, hip or old-fashioned, I have yet to watch a person use one of those kiosks without 1) needing assistance or 2) taking less than 5 minutes to print their boarding passes.

I'll be the first to admit: I'm not a patient person. In fact, I'm the opposite of a patient person. And nothing drives me crazier than to watch people try to navigate the self-service kiosks.

First, it begins with them not knowing when to walk up to a kiosk. Without fail, there will be seventeen kiosks open and I'll have to direct the poor soul at the front of the line to one of them.

Me: "Excuse me? Are you waiting for a kiosk?"
Them: "Yes."
Me: "There's an open kiosk over there. And there. And there. And there."

Then, invariably, they don't have their confirmation code. Or a credit card to swipe. Or a passport. Or their destination airport.

Once they have gotten past the intro screen, they feel the need to read every single word on the screen and carefully select the right button to push. Nevermind that the right button to push is always in a bright color, to help guide you through the process quickly. I watch as their fingers hover over the screen, anticipating their next move. But it's a slow process, as if they don't fully understand how the magical screen can capture their answers.

Finally, they print their boarding pass and just as I'm about to take their place in line, they stand there to talk to the kiosk attendant. They don't move out of the way so the next person can use the kiosk. No. They stand IN FRONT OF THE IDLE KIOSK, asking some asinine question (I'm sure.)

Now, I'm no computer whiz kid. But I do know how to read and how to push things. These extraordinary talents allow me to check in and print my boarding pass in a matter of mere seconds.

The airline kiosks should be reserved for those with these special talents. Everyone else can use the old fashioned way to check-in: the friendly airline ticket counter agent.

Airplane Etiquette

Give. Me. One. Damn. Minute.

Poison-head arrows were shooting out of my eyes at the suit behind me. It's not that I'm a mean person, it's just that I can be passive-aggressive when I need to be. I wish it were different. I wish I could have looked this jerk in the eye and told him to "Give me a damn minute."

I'm a pretty light traveller these days. I can fit one week's worth of business casual outfits, workout clothes (with gym shoes), casual clothes, fun clothes (if it's a fun city and we'll have time to go out to a bar or two), toiletries, hair brushes, and a good book into a carry-on luggage. I just bring that and my laptop bag with me when I travel because there's no way in hell I'm checking anything (too many pieces of luggage have been lost for me not to have learned that lesson).

But what kills me is that people on the airplane won't budge an inch to let you pull that luggage down from the overhead compartment.

First, I'm amazed by the lack of courtesy people will afford each other when exiting the airplane. There seems that there should be a natural order to things: each row has it's turn to empty into the aisles, with the back rows waiting until it's their turn to go. Instead, it's a mad dash with everyone out for themselves. We've been on the plane 2 hours. Another 3.6 seconds isn't going to kill anybody.

Then, it seems that as soon as you leave your seat, you're expected to make a beeline for the cabin door. Nevermind that you might have some luggage to pull out of the bins. There's the silent impatient scowl from the people behind you, as if they are saying "Look at this conceited passenger. You just HAD to bring your luggage on board and ruin it for the rest of us, didn't you?"

Every time I'm on the plane, I feel like I'm rushing to pull down my luggage, and that I should be apologizing to everyone behind me. And these people don't give even an inch of room. I literally almost took three people out with my luggage on my last flight. It's simple physics, really. The luggage is going to make a downward trajectory arc when I pull it down and anything in the way of that arc is going to get smashed. So if you're breathing down my neck, you better step away.

Now, I'm taking my time. If people aren't going to be courteous to me and other passengers, then they can just wait. I'm going to be more assertive. The next time a passenger is breathing down my neck, I'm going to stop, turn to them and very nicely ask them to back that ass up.

Just shut up and deal with it

I was on a flight this afternoon (I was a bit nervous about flying on the day-anniversay of September 11th, but everything turned out fine, obviously) from Indianapolis to Atlanta. Once we pushed off from the gate and made our way to the runway, the pilot came on to tell us that there was a weather system over Atlanta and we would have to wait until it passed over.

I don't have a problem with this. Whenever possible, I like to avoid flying into potentially hazardous weather. I have a hard enough time as it is, dealing with a little turbulence in the air. The last thing I want is to hit some crazy air pocket and dive nose-first into the ground. (OK, so maybe I'm being a bit over-dramatic).

At this time, the pilot said we could use our cell phones while we waited the 40-minutes or so to get clearance. As if on cue, everyone's cell phones popped open and people started dialing. They dialed their loved ones. They dialed their friends. They dialed anyone that would listen to them complain. Because that's exactly what everyone proceeded to do for the next 40 minutes.

"I'm sitting here on the tarmac and of course we haven't lifted off yet..."
"It's going to be 40 minutes before we leave..."
"With the day I've had, this just tops it off...."

I just did my crossword puzzle, trying to think of an 8-letter word for "a paycheck deduction, for some". (The answer is State Tax, in case you're wondering).

You know what? We can't control the weather. We're just sitting here for a few minutes. And they are even allowing you to use your cell phone. Why do you have to use it to complain?

Especially on the 6-year anniversary of one of the biggest tragedies our nation has face. On an anniversary of a day when people lost their lives and their loved ones in the blink of an eye. All we have to deal with is sitting on a plane for an extra 40 minutes.

So shut up. And deal.